The phone rings and rings but I just don't pick up.
Right after I got out of the army, I thought I was completely exhausted, drained and full of misery to tolerate any human contact. I thought I needed a change of scene; new friends and new things to do, to close a page in my life and start a clear new one as a civilian, a doctor with aspirations and hopes to pursue.
It's been almost three months since I got out of that gate in the middle of nowhere, held a punch-full of the desert sand, looked to the sky and made an oath alla-O'Hara: Let heavens be my witness, I will never be enslaved again.
Three months didn't change my mood. the phone rings and I don't answer, still!
I got out of the army, ended things up with Sharm el Sheikh and got a neurosurgery resident post which was exactly what I wanted and still, I don't feel liberated, my life so improved nor is even that old withered page in my life book turned in the least. I feel as miserable as before.
Why can't I answer my phone??
It's not who the callers are, because simply those are good people out there, my life-long companions from Zagazig and some good friends of mine who are not in the least overbearing or the kind of people who would call you once every five minutes... those are good people who don't even need the least thing from me, other than to make sure that I am still alive, good and sound..
And yet, I can't answer!!?
Am I going nuts?? could it be that I have really had enough with the long-term displeasure with my pathetic double-faced life that I can no longer communicate with people?? Am I hitting a new record in that antisocial behavior of mine?? What's going on?
Today, one of my friends kept calling all day long! As I am writing this, my phone is just next to me and no matter how hard I tried, I just can't bring myself to dial the number and say hi! I mean how ill is that!
Is that how it's gonna end for me? secluded somewhere with a punch of books or hospitalized for a long time in a psychiatric institute?? I am getting less and less human with time, I am starting to feel better only when alone. This can't be just the way it is in Egypt, can it? I mean people are just people everywhere, if I can't communicate with those with whom I spent most of greatest days, how in the hell am I supposed to make new acquaintances somewhere else and have new friends!?
Hmm, am I suffering from depression? I think so. It must be depression... for although I am happy with the career move, I am still unhappy with the bad prospects and the challenges I face there... Romance isn't helping, in fact it's -as usual- been the main hindrance ever since I came back to the "civilian scene"; with the lack of foreigners -my favorite brand in the market- I am as frigid as Greenland! Ha! I am so frigid, Porn itself can no longer give me a hard-on. Every time I lay down my guard, go with the flow and try it with an Egyptian, I end up with some deep psychological and sometimes physical trauma that puts me back in the dark zone.
I can't trust other men. no matter how I try, I just can't. I feel like I am threatened all the time and that if I keep trying here in Egypt, one time it will be the end of me!
As for food, well that's as miserable a story as romance!
I can no longer eat chicken!!
I thought I am ill or something when it started, but if it's an illness -god forbid- then it must be chronic!! it's been months since I ate chicken without having to swallow the pieces with a shut nose and closed eyes to fight back the disgusted feelings!
Chicken was once my favorite dish... roosted or boiled or whatever, I just loved chicken no matter the recipe. now I am afraid, it's just another nightmare in my life
Aha, speaking of which; I no longer have dreams... just a whole nice set of nightmares and all of which include my death... still-dir-vor; these aren't just scary nightmares like the ones ordinary people have, it's more or less a series of sad dreams in which I die once because of Lymphoma after discovering that I was never who I thought I am (i.e. I find out that I was adopted) and another because of AIDS related complications and of course brain tumors should have their turns in killing me, but this time, I go nuts before the disease finishes me off. the problem is: in all of my nightmares, the timing is pretty fixed: I die before my sister gives birth to the baby she's pregnant with right now. Interesting still, in one of my nightmares, she dies herself giving birth to her baby in front of me, the doctor, and no matter what I try, I just fail to save her.
It's also been almost 2 months since I last held dumbbells in my hands. I am loosing some weight from the parts of me that I loved full. my chest and arms are loosing muscle mass and my legs, which complain way too much from the long-hours standing in the OR are gaining definition while loosing muscles. I feel like I am going to be sick, you know, like when you feel it in your bones that tomorrow you will wake up with the flu or something, but no matter how long I wait for it, the disease just evades me.
I am in a total mess! Maybe I should go for a blood screening test, just to make sure.
Anyway, time for bed right now, or more correctly, time for a two hour turning on the bed in a wild pursuit of some sleep! including, of course, the sweet sweet nightmares!
- Messed up!