ramsesthesecond

The continuity of that blog is somehow confusing!

I remember that I started blogging in 2007 in March, to be exact. Right then I didn't mean to share as much as I have done. Told myself that it will be just a hobby in my spare time. It was the first time I ever knew the concept of having a blog and I was so excited, I love writing as much as I enjoy reading. So, I figured: what the hell! I am just gonna write about Egypt, its history and modern day life and I knew I had tons of stories to tell. I even chose to name my blog "Egyptian Stories".

However, it was the first story that I chose to tell that foresaw the exact direction the blog is gonna take. My first entry on this page - now deleted for a long while - was simply titles Gay Egypt and there I discussed the challenges gay individuals face in Egypt and referred to the infamous Cairo 52 incident. Still I didn't refer to my sexuality being the reason why I wrote the article; back then, I wanted to be careful and keep my life as personal as possible. It seemed much better to leave the article there claiming that it was written merely by a human rights' activist, nothing more.

My second entry was fashioned on one of Mohamed Moneir's most famous songs. It's title translates to (Public homes or public houses). In that entry I designed an ID card to introduce myself to the world using my very first user-picture - which was a face picture of mine not so different from the one I currently use except that I still had that acne problem right then! - and following the lyrics of the song for the info section as follows: A human being for the name, the good people of Egypt for parents, struggling and learning for occupation, Life Public school for place of work and most dramatically: "The school opens into a public street which in turn opens in my heart" for address.

There was no problem at all in using a face picture on the blog when I had never shared any potentially risky information. In fact I received lots of compliments for the way I looked that I decided to keep it there. It could have been the very first personal element I used in the blog. I was and still am blogging under the name Ramses!

While making my third entry, I kept in mind the primary reason why I started blogging - or at least what I believed it to be - and made a long entry about a possible conspiracy weaved by the Priest Aye and Hor Moheb on the young pharaoh Tut Ankh Amun.

And from there on, I made more enteries with personal elements; those either contained some info about me or some pictures of me visiting some historic place in Cairo ..etc). As time went by, I felt more inclined to write more and more about me and not about general subjects that one can read in any other web site. After all, this was my journal.

Anyway, few month later, I had already acknowledged that I am gay, written a real trivia in my profile and published the result of a tiny "paper-reading styled" research about HIV/AIDS in Egypt with specific reference to its psychological aspects on the Gay community as one of the risk groups which, by the way, was the same research I presented for my Psychiatry round in the university. During this long period, the blog was still somehow unknown and only my friends here would comment on its entries.

I liked it that way; having that tiny little space of my own where I can be free to talk about the true me, no fear no expectations nor goals. For a long while, I thought I was just being myself, enjoying the virtual liberty of the internet but deep inside, the biggest motivation behind my entries had always been the strongest desire to exist! to express that I do exist and to prove to the whole world that I exist.

Only one idea started to form in the back of my head. An idea I was being reminded of every now and then by means of a complementing comment from an enthusiast reader: Am I unique??
The idea haunted me for days. It was kind of tormenting to think then that I am one of a kind! Of course I knew there are lots of gay guys in Egypt - otherwise I must have been imagining the dozens that I met through the internet! - But does anyone of them have the same ideas as me, did any of them talk about himself like I do?

The answer didn't delay, by accident a comment was posted on the HIV/AIDS entry I made, it was from another gay blogger who praised me for my courage also stated how much he liked my writing-style and left a link to his own blog where he has been used to writing about his life obviously some years before I had the idea along with poetry and short stories. His, au contraire, was more cautious blog in terms of sharing info: the whole blog was on certain Dutch site unaccessible through search engines and even if one reached it, there wasn't really much to tell about his identity from his blog unlike my insolent gesture of exposing my face on mine.

Perhaps that's why he was very disturbed and surprised why would I do such a thing and advised me strongly to consider removing my face picture and delete some of the entries that he saw as "Highly exposing". We then had a chat on messenger and by coinsidence he turned out to be a physician as well. I remember disapproving strongly to his opinion that a doctor's private life should always remain a secret so as to be always respected by his patients, otherwise, he's not worth of their respect nor of treating them - if he was the one to share his life details in public. (as in my case, of course!)

We lost contact soon - Long story short; I was interested but he was involved - only to reconnect once more and this time, it went way way too wrong to keep in touch. (Why? Check the entry titled: All for a date!)

Frankly, I paid little attention to his advice - regardless of my two real encounters with him - because I thought so lightly of anyone caring as much as to read my English articles not to mention reporting them to another authority who would care enough to read not to mention once more to investigate who did write them! Like Le comte de monte-cristo; I believed Ignorance to be my best ally in my chateau d'if!

Life wasn't so kind by the beginning of 2008: I was feeling more and more lonely three years after moving to Cairo with my family, I had no new friends because I lived so far away from anywhere and my new city was like a big saharan exile. I didn't have much luck with guys as well, Egyptians kind of considered me an average boy and foreigners who seemed to enjoy my company were rare to find ( well, at least young foreigners were rare!). And as a result, I made more entries on my blog. I had no other window to breath nor a place to air my chest other than here. I even left links to my blog in every profile I had then on different gay social networks which, by the way, contained photo pictures of me. All of them did for the same reason "Ignorance is my friend".

As a result of the increasing number of entries side by side with growing exosure, mainly to gay men who'd click the link in my profiles. I had more and more warnings that I might be stepping into a big trap, that I am offering myself to the Egyptian authorities so easily. These warnings were sent both from Egyptian and foreingers who couldn't believe someone had the gall to do what I am doing.

I grew more and more weary of my new hobby and considered asking for legal advice from Livejournal team, I asked them if my journal could be classified unter any act of freedom of expression also if it would be classified as protected material due to authorship. The respose came next day that although the posted material can be classified under a US act of freedom, this isn't immunity for the author especially that I am living in Egypt, also that authorship won't be of any use to my defense. In short, their reply was that I am on my own, Livejournal is sorry they can't provide any help regarding my blog and they advised me to keep my entries locked except to my friends.

The idea of locking my blog's entries and limit it only to small circle of pen-friends from other areas in the world was actually more than I could withstand. It felt like I was being told to cease existing or breathing after a year of freedom. I decided to keep the blog open but on the same time, to remove the face picture and trivia section which, by that time, contained my real name!

Also turned out that sharing the blog's link on my profiles wasn't much of a good idea either; the majority hated the guts of me for writing it, it got the liking of a minority who were most foreigners but most importantly, I had to answer dozens of why (s) waiting for an asnwer that I could no longer take it. Everyone theorized his own way, some said he's suicidally depressed, others asked me if someone I loved before broke my heart ....etc). Their theories were different but they all didn't hesitate to disbelief my "nonsense" about existing, freedom and airing a burdened chest.

Things were turning from bad to worse with the university, new place, guys and most importantly money. In 2008 my family had a strong financial blow and only four of us had to stick together - me, my older brother, mom and dad - to survive this hard time, my other brother who mainly caused it and my sister didn't feel obligated to stick with us after the engagement of the former and the marriage of the later, I had to sell even my cell phone then to pay the rent (don't worry, currently we have survived it, and we are actually doing great!) and I reacted with anger.

Know this for sure, I am not the type of men to sulk and die nor am I the man to kill himself. I love life enough to fight for it. So instead of becoming depressed, I boiled in anger and poured it on my society and god in general. Anger soon became the motor generating all my actions, I was so furious all the time that a trivial incident with a colleague or at home was enough to set my anger on an unstopable outrageous fit. I didn't care to have any social life or any soial activity and considered everyone in Egypt an enemy to be had he/she knew who I really am. Even the music I loved most to listen to that year had to be as dark as my mood; I think I made an entry about feeling like the Phantom of the Opera!

Yes, times were hard then.

Anyway, amid this turmoil of a life, my blog was both a crucially important let out and a constant fear. Although I was sure no one would care enough to read it, there was no guarantee that it can be investigated and that I can be arrested for it if Egypt's authorities were seeking a cover for their usual fuck up policies. I even wasn't just focused on the gay issue or my life, instead I expressed my people's anger about their government in more than a dozen articles, wrote about my passion for peace and more than once accused our politicians of corruption. I was the best candidate for a long public trial with some good degree of media coverage, could have made such a reality TV scandal! Thanks to ignorance, nobody cared LOL

I was even once interviewed by a Spanish Journalist - via email - but it wasn't published and probably will never be! You see, as angry as I have been, my answers to a small list of questions - that I probably have answered like a hundred times before in the unstopping arguments - came in four long messages! I don't even recall what I wrote but it must have made that journalist doubt my sanity (lol) and feel so creepy; the only thing I remember saying was that blogs won't change anything in the Egyptian gay case and the reason is that we're so afraid of god to go out and really stand out for our cause.

Oh and yes, I remembered now that I had never posted anything about me actually meeting any guys, that part of my life I kept secret. It was an intelligent thing to do by the way, to say I am gay but I am a monk! As silly as it seems, it was enough to save my life in a trial should I ever need!

The interview made me proud, afraid and sad all the same. I was proud that my voice reached far away, that a spanish journalist took interest in it - probably she was living in Cairo then - and afraid that my blog would be so exposed if it's used in a news article but also I was sad that the journalist's questions kind of made me feel like I stood out in a different category than all other bloggers; I shared more personal information, I wrote freely about my life and I did it with an exposed face which all makes me kind of....Yeah, unique. Well, whatever happened to it!

The rest of 2008 and the beginning of 2009 has been a period of uncertainty for my blog. Everyday I decided either to keep or delete it and the decision had to depend on a repetitive process of comparing the relief it brings to the fear and anexity it causes; at the end of the day, the blog survived but my entries weren't as much as they used to be. After all, nobody cared and my anger was starting to give way to a long phase of depression. I trully did believe no blog will change Egypt and started making plans of quitting the republic, I even tried to do that in 2009 and did consider dropping from Med school but dad and mom tried their best to convince me against it.

Yet, later in 2009, I was involved in a real life's soap opera! I can't fully explain what happened then because it is still dangerous to do so - even after the revolution! All I can say is that some gay man found his way to my blog and thought I am bold enough to help his desperate cause; he had just discovered an awful crime committed by a high society person - a gay man as well - with great connections to government officials. He begged me for help and I accepted after making sure he wasn't lying. I did my best and almost lost my life in the whole affair. Even today, when two years have passed, I still feel afraid should that man know that it was me who did him all that disturbance...

I wish I could explain more. I wish I could tell you what happened then! It is a point-making story that leaves no space for argument about Egypt's disperate need to legalize LGTB relationships. I wish I had more sense of security to tell that long story, to show people how hard it was to deliver a criminal to justice because our laws didn't protect us; to tell about those sleepless nights and dark days when I had to look behind me to make sure no one was following; to ask reasonable people in Egypt how could they permit such a thing to happen; to have the criminal free and pursuing those who demand justice be served upon him with the help of the Egyptian police in a complete stunning reverse of nature.

Alas, then I had no choice but to lock the blog and soon later, I deleted most of its entries.

I never felt more isolated; even justice and law enforcement were against me when I finally thought I was on their side! Gay guys hate the blog and ask all wrong questions, journalists interview and disappear, socially my life was almost doomed and I had even less luck with dating.

To be continued. 

"Of course I knew! I have had my doubts ever since we became friends years ago! I mean look at you, Ramy: it explains everything about your behavior!"

That was one of the last sentences I have heard from my best friend few hours before having him disappear completely from my life. I have paid him a visit on my way to the army recruitment center in my beloved home town. I had planned to apologize to him about the harsh words I have said during our last on-line chat. Right then I tried coming out to him in an indirect way, so I told him that one of my best friends is gay and is currently living with the love of his life only to be attacked by him for having befriended a sinner and to have like hundreds of prophet's sayings repeated on my screen.

I only planned to apologize for not saying the truth. I thought I have already lost his friendship once I came to tell him that I would sacrifice it along with everything for what I believe in. That if he can't live with the fact that I befriend gays, then perhaps we should no longer be friends. I knew I owed him more explanation than just this. I can't let go years of sincere friendship for such a silly reason, he can't be left imagining that I so easily gave up on him for a couple of new friends in Cairo.

Yet, I had no chance of explaining once we sat alone. For he had his ideas already about this discussion; ideas and doubts confirmed by our last argument. He only wanted to hear it from me.

"I don't care what we said last time online, sincerely I just was so angry you would be involved in such a big problem as homosexuality and not even care to listen to your closest friend's opinion. Perhaps I could have advised you about it; told you how to quit it" he said

Right then, I could still escape and tell him that I am no longer friends with the couple he meant in his speech, I have already moved out of the city and have lost contact with almost 99% of my friends there. But I already was so tired of lying and wanted to let it out. I can't keep him anymore, we're never gonna be as close as we used to; that has already been lost by geography and more importantly by my decision to let him go, since I believed he can never handle my truth.

"And what do you advice me?" I asked, acknowledging for the first time the long-hidden truth indirectly.

The smile on his face said it all; he undertood my hidden confession, after all he knew me so well.

"So, it was you who we were talking about during our last chat, wasn't it?" he asked.

"Yes, it was me." I answered

"And the gay couple friends you talked about?"

"Completely imaginary"

"I thought so. I thought it is simply impossible that you would so strongly defend another person's cause! I understood it was all about defending yourself and not anybody else." he spoke triumphantly. "That's why I had to make more viscious accusations and state the full religious point of view" he continued, almost apologetically.

"And now, your doubts are finally confirmed" I answered calmly almost indifferent to his opinion about it. " you wanna me to say it out loud?"

"No, please don't" he answered, "we might be overheard here"

" So, what's your advice gonna be?"

"You already know it. I would have repeated it had you given any sign of wanting it! I feel you like what you are and you don't wanna change, so my advice is useless I am afraid"
 
"Well, you're right. I like who I am and I don't wanna change. Now,  my friend, the ball is in your playground; you can have your say about it, either like me with it, or cut me off" I offered calmly still.

"I admit some time has passed on me when I couldn't stand the mere mention of your name, but after a while I found out that I can never hate you no matter how hard I tried." He answered after a thoughtful pause.

"Are you saying you're ok with it!?" I asked incredulously

"I have no other option it seems, I can't hate you. You are my number one friend in this world. Damn, I know you so well, I swear I can even guess what you're gonna say before you say it all" he answered

"You can't believe how happy I am to hear you say that!" I was heavy with gratitude. "But how could you guess it!? and when?"

"I have known it ever since we became friends. Come on Ramy, look at you! it's all over your behavior and explains a great deal about your character" he answered.

"You mean I behave a little queen-ish and falming-ly sometimes!?"

"No, that's not what I meant. I was talking about your antisocial behavior. You deal with people violently sometimes and I have noticed it isn't your nature; obviously you are so bitter about something. I doubted it years ago yet my doubts were never confirmed until our last chat when I knew for sure you're gay" he explained

" I can't deny that I am very antisocial at times, I treat people as my enemies even when they don't know anything about my sexuality, I always think they will soon turn on me had they known. I was about to loose my mind until I came out to my mom..."

"What!? You didn't!?" he interrupted incredulously

"Yes, I did. I came out to mom and my brother"

"Wow! and how did they react to it?"

"Well, my brother jokes with me about it. mom is ok as well, we had some tough moment but we're ok currently" I answered curtly

"Hmm, but I bet you must know your mother is so sad about it! even if she claims to be ok, she must be having the hardest time coping with such a fact, you know religion doesn't leave much space for it" he opposed

"You're right once more. My mother has her objections but she still loves me. True she wouldn't be able to handle it here in Egypt with all social pressure of our traditional culture, but I am sure if I am happily married abroad, she would love to pay me a visit."

Another pause.

"So... I am a little curious, Ramy; since there are no real couple-friends.... I was wondering. ... Ahh... Is this gay thing just theoritical fantasies in your mind or ... did you put them to practice!?"

I was shocked by the fast change of subjects that I took few moments to reply his question with another, " Are you asking me about sex!?"

"I guess I am" he answered

"Man, you know where I live these days....."

But I couldn't finish my story, for the rest of our brief encounter, his sister's fiance came to join our discussion, he was staying there for the day and I had to leave with an unfinished story"

"Keep in touch" he said as he showed me out of the house

"I will" I answered.

And it's been a month of me trying to be in touch to no avail. Not once was one of my dozens of calls been answered nor was one of my messages!

- In Egypt; If you are born into a Muslim family, you are NOT allowed to change your religion at any measure: at least in front of the government, you are Muslim even if you pray in churches for years or declare you are Atheist. You are still gonna be Muslim in the ID even if you sue the government for it!

- In Egypt, the only allowable change of religion is to ISLAM. so, a Christian can easily change into Muslim, but when some people did so and found out they really didn't like their new religion and tried going back to the first faith, they found out they will remain Muslims for the rest of their lives in front of the republic!

- In Egypt, only two religions are recognized by the government: Islam and Christianity. Baha'i and Jewish aren't religions in the state!

- In Egypt, if you happen by any measure to be lucky enough to have another religion (other than the recognized two faiths) and for any reason you needed to finish some paperwork like military service or getting a passport, you are asked to declare conversion to Islam before getting any paper!

- In Egypt, you can't get a passport until you have finished the mandatory military service.

- In Egypt, you can't serve the military if you aren't Muslim or Christian. any other faith, if proven to be the case on formal papers, is rejected for safety precautions.

- In Egypt, all Sinai peninsula inhabitants are denied service in the military for the same oblivious reason: Saftey precautions.

- In Egypt, a Muslim can marry four women in accordance with his religion, a Muslim can marry Christian ladies as well. In Egypt, a Christian can marry four IN SHEER CONTRADICTION WITH HIS RELIGION AND ACCORDANCE WITH ISLAM, in Egypt a Christian can even sue the church for refusing to grant him a RELIGIOUS recognition of his second marriage.

- In Egypt, Muslims divorce in accordance with Islam. Christians divorce in accordance with ISLAM! against Orthodoxy which recognizes no divorce except in strict conditions

- In Egypt, "Khol'a" or the Islamic process by which a woman can terminate her marriage (Parallel to divorce, which is a man right) is a recognizable right for Muslim women as well as with Christians! In Egypt, the church is asked to recognize such separations.

- In Egypt, your dad can sue you for changing your religion (that if you either miraculously managed to change it legally or just started following another religion on your own) for custody on your children. In Egypt, although you are alive and kicking, the court will be more than happy to grant custody to your Muslim dad and refuse your universally acknowledged right to raise your children as you please!

- In Egypt, with absense of a legal will, a Muslim's fortune is divided on his heirs according to Islamic law, which means a son gets as twice as a daughter. In Egypt, with no legal will, a Christians fortune is devided on his heirs according to ISLAMIC law no regards for his faith!

- In Egypt, Muslims can easily build five mosques every neighborhood. In Egypt, a Church could wait five years for a permission to renew its old pavement and when finally granted the legal right, Muslims in the neighborhood can still stop the transport of building materials inside the church yard, demonstrate and the authorities would delete the permission in response!

- In Egypt, several girls disappeared of both faiths, each changing her religion and marrying a man of the newly acquired faith only to start sever fights and accusations from both religious groups and eventually clashes and death!

- In Egypt, the constitution recognizes only ONE religion of the state in the second article, although in the first, it states that equal citizenship is the major principle of the state between its majority and recognized minority!

- In Egypt gays and lesbians are tried for debauchery and if for no other crime, they are tried for despising religion!

- In Egypt, you can get three years in a maximum security prison for despising religion.

- In Egypt, an Imam (namely Ghazaly) stood once in a court praising the killers of the famous writer & secular activist (Fawzy Foda) saying the killers did what was the duty of the state and should be released immediately and even rewarded for their crime. Although the killers were punished, the Imam was allowed to go after testifying in front of the court that he encourages murder for all secular activists!

- In Egypt, if you are reading an Agath Christie novel in the bus, one man would stop you and give you a major lesson about the virtue of reading Koran in stead of that  "Blasphemy!"

- In Egypt, you will be severly attacked if you played music in a bus even if you keep very low only you and the next person can hear it, while in the same bus, a man would stand, read Koran all the way in a very high sound every one in the bus can hear him yet no one would ask him for the same silence you were asked.

- In Egypt, growing a beard alone can grant you respect!

- In Egypt, you can't argue the future of the state for 5 minutes with anyone without hearing the word "god said" and if you reply to it saying just a single "But" you are considered infidel!

- In Egypt, religion is everywhere, yet its virtue is no where. Egypt is a country of hypocrites religious fanaticists with no single clue about religious mercy nor tolerance.

All of that happens in Egypt.