Sein Narr
ramsesthesecond
ich wirklich wunsche ich haette dich nie getroffen! Mein Lebeb war so einfach ohne deine europaeische gruene Auge: ich wolte nur weg von Aegypten, in einem anderen Land zu wohnen worum Mann einen Mann lieben kann und eine familie zu starten.

Seit ein Jahr und halb lerne ich die deutsche Sprache, die sehr schwierig ist. Ich begann alein und jetzt spreche ich besser als alle meine Freunden die in Goethe Institut gelernt haben. Ich ging nach der Botschaft Irlands und bekam meine Papiere gestampelt weil ich in dem Aerztekammer Irlands anwenden und in der Insel des Smaragds umziehen wolte.

und dann, musste ich dich treffen, mit dir schlagen und lieben.... es war so gut fuer eine kliene Nacht, ich fuehlte mich wie ueber den Mond! Man du warst die Sonne selbst, die in meinem dunklen Leben schient und das Licht brachte.

Ich liebte dich so ich kannte nicht mein Leben ohne dich vorstellen

und nun, bist du verschwanden und mein Leben ist noch einmal unvorstellbar, meine Tage sind noch einmal dunkel und meine Hoffnungen sind getoet.

Was hast du mit mir gemacht? Was hast du verdient?

Ach Gott, warum muss ich alle diese Schmerzen mal erfahren!! Ich kann es nie glauben, dass ich ihn noch lieben!

Ja,

Ich bin Narr!

Ich bin sein Narr und er will mich nicht haben.
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How come!?
ramsesthesecond
How come he doesn't answer my messages anymore!? I mean what could possibly be wrong with me? I am sexy, intelligent and the future seems to be all mine! What's really wrong with me? Why do I keep falling for the wrong guy... First love can be immature and is somehow expected to go wrong, but second and third loves as well?? That just seems too much!

I speak 5 languages! I can curse in them all! There is no nation on earth about which I don't know at least one thing or two -Hell yeah! I know Gibraltar is a part of Britain! I know that Sark speaks English though almost all buildings have French names! I know that La Paz is connected to Peru through a death road!

I haven't seen the world, I haven't spent my holidays in Paris, so what!!? I am not rich! a genius born to a middle-class family in a third world nation. I don't spend money on designer clothes and I don't carry an I-phone because I see both as senseless waste and on the other hand, I never hesitated to stick to my family, help them in times of need and share their joys! I am the one who paid the largest sum of money to replace a lost set in my hospital to save a poor nurse's ass! I am the man who once gave all the money in his pocket to a lost wretch from Alexandria who lost his ways in Cairo to get a train ticket and walked more than 20 Kms to get home! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

I have Post-acne scars! Tell me, please do tell me, can you see them in any of my photos!!? you'd need to be 10 cms away to examine such trophies I got after ending the battle of adolescence... I am sorry I don't have a TV star's skin, and I am sorry I wouldn't spend thousands of pounds beautifying myself for you! You too have your flaws so cut me some slack!

What is it that you could possibly see in my body that you wouldn't like!? If you hate hairy, why were you so into my "Furr" the last time we met. Why were you all Ohs and Ahs I like the touch of that hairy chest of yours! why didn't you complain right then! why did you keep getting hard over and over again!

What's so bad about me?? A miserable man I might be but I am doing all I can to face life as a Jean Val-jean not as the Phantom of the opera, god dammit! Man, look closer! You little shit! You could be the luckiest man on earth because I love you!!!

You have a chance with perfection... You look at the superficial triviality and ignore the deep soul; you rush to your doom, run to chase mirages and ignore the salvaging extended hand offering you water!

You fool don't know what you're losing! You are 35!! You have just 5 years left to get to your mid-life crisis and soon will be chuffed into the merciless train of senility and then, you will wonder what was it you did wrong in your life so that you had to end it lonely in a cold bed!

How dare you not fall in love with me!? How could you ignore me!!?

Oh, life, cut me some slack or I will join Dalida soon!! This is just too much! I have never got a thing I really wanted since I was born. You owe me big time Carma!!

I deserve him! I know I deserve him! and I don't care if he deserves me or not, I just want him! YOU OWE ME A CHANCE WITH HIM!

... man! life's a bitch!

Messed up!
ramsesthesecond
The phone rings and rings but I just don't pick up.

Right after I got out of the army, I thought I was completely exhausted, drained and full of misery to tolerate any human contact. I thought I needed a change of scene; new friends and new things to do, to close a page in my life and start a clear new one as a civilian, a doctor with aspirations and hopes to pursue.

It's been almost three months since I got out of that gate in the middle of nowhere, held a punch-full of the desert sand, looked to the sky and made an oath alla-O'Hara: Let heavens be my witness, I will never be enslaved again.

Three months didn't change my mood. the phone rings and I don't answer, still!

I got out of the army, ended things up with Sharm el Sheikh and got a neurosurgery resident post which was exactly what I wanted and still, I don't feel liberated, my life so improved nor is even that old withered page in my life book turned in the least. I feel as miserable as before.

Why can't I answer my phone??

It's not who the callers are, because simply those are good people out there, my life-long companions from Zagazig and some good friends of mine who are not in the least overbearing or the kind of people who would call you once every five minutes... those are good people who don't even need the least thing from me, other than to make sure that I am still alive, good and sound..

And yet, I can't answer!!?

Am I going nuts?? could it be that I have really had enough with the long-term displeasure with my pathetic double-faced life that I can no longer communicate with people?? Am I hitting a new record in that antisocial behavior of mine?? What's going on?

Today, one of my friends kept calling all day long! As I am writing this, my phone is just next to me and no matter how hard I tried, I just can't bring myself to dial the number and say hi! I mean how ill is that!

Is that how it's gonna end for me? secluded somewhere with a punch of books or hospitalized for a long time in a psychiatric institute?? I am getting less and less human with time, I am starting to feel better only when alone. This can't be just the way it is in Egypt, can it? I mean people are just people everywhere, if I can't communicate with those with whom I spent most of greatest days, how in the hell am I supposed to make new acquaintances somewhere else and have new friends!?

Hmm, am I suffering from depression? I think so. It must be depression... for although I am happy with the career move, I am still unhappy with the bad prospects and the challenges I face there... Romance isn't helping, in fact it's -as usual- been the main hindrance ever since I came back to the "civilian scene"; with the lack of foreigners -my favorite brand in the market- I am as frigid as Greenland! Ha! I am so frigid, Porn itself can no longer give me a hard-on. Every time I lay down my guard, go with the flow and try it with an Egyptian, I end up with some deep psychological and sometimes physical trauma that puts me back in the dark zone.

I can't trust other men. no matter how I try, I just can't. I feel like I am threatened all the time and that if I keep trying here in Egypt, one time it will be the end of me!

As for food, well that's as miserable a story as romance!

I can no longer eat chicken!!

I thought I am ill or something when it started, but if it's an illness -god forbid- then it must be chronic!! it's been months since I ate chicken without having to swallow the pieces with a shut nose and closed eyes to fight back the disgusted feelings!

Chicken was once my favorite dish... roosted or boiled or whatever, I just loved chicken no matter the recipe. now I am afraid, it's just another nightmare in my life

Aha, speaking of which; I no longer have dreams... just a whole nice set of nightmares and all of which include my death... still-dir-vor; these aren't just scary nightmares like the ones ordinary people have, it's more or less a series of sad dreams in which I die once because of Lymphoma after discovering that I was never who I thought I am (i.e. I find out that I was adopted) and another because of AIDS related complications and of course brain tumors should have their turns in killing me, but this time, I go nuts before the disease finishes me off. the problem is: in all of my nightmares, the timing is pretty fixed: I die before my sister gives birth to the baby she's pregnant with right now. Interesting still, in one of my nightmares, she dies herself giving birth to her baby in front of me, the doctor, and no matter what I try, I just fail to save her.

It's also been almost 2 months since I last held dumbbells in my hands. I am loosing some weight from the parts of me that I loved full. my chest and arms are loosing muscle mass and my legs, which complain way too much from the long-hours standing in the OR are gaining definition while loosing muscles. I feel like I am going to be sick, you know, like when you feel it in your bones that tomorrow you will wake up with the flu or something, but no matter how long I wait for it, the disease just evades me.

I am in a total mess! Maybe I should go for a blood screening test, just to make sure.

Anyway, time for bed right now, or more correctly, time for a two hour turning on the bed in a wild pursuit of some sleep! including, of course, the sweet sweet nightmares!
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Nous sommes tous mort a vingt ans!
silvester
ramsesthesecond
His brain was outside his skull.. Out of the entry point blood kept gushing as if pumped from inside out.. his pupils were already dilated fixed on both sides but he kept breathing and whenever they stopped the ventilator just to check the connections or whatever else in our hectic ER room he went into a fit of choking producing air hungry sounds, his hair was soaked with blood all the way from the entry point on the upper left corner of his forehead down to his nape but still other tufts escaped the bloody flooding -those on the right side of his vortex- and they kept their luster, the trace of hair gel he carefully put to brush his beautiful hair in its place before going out to meet his doom, he was young, just a little kid who might have had still dreams of changing the world...

He was shot in Tahrir square. Took a gun shot through the head from a far away place and probably the shooter was on higher grounds: for the bullet never made an exit wound, in stead it stood still in the back of his cranial cavity, implanted in the inner side of the Occiptal bone, ugly and criminal looking under the searching rays of the CT machine. As if after lacerating half of his brain, there was really nothing else it could do except wait for the ground to devour his body, only then will its extremely long trying journey from the mines to the factories to the gun to finally be shot at the target be at end. Sharing its victim's final abode, troubling his dreams of the other world of green paradises.

2 hours later he died, after several attempts at resurfacing, he finally gave up and took the leap of faith. That final jump into the dark ocean everyone of us has to take sometime or the other and never be back. To another world did he go! A one-way journey did he take, a journey to the unknown region.

He wasn't the only one that night. He was the only one to die at my hospital between our useless arms, comforted by no final glance at any relative nor a final kiss from the sweet girl of his dreams. No more dreams for him, no more air, no more love, no more life but an ugly looking coffin with cotton plugs in his body's openings, an ugly decaying process where mother Earth takes back what belongs to her and a spirit that no one really see or feel or even define to roam the unknown worlds of mythology.

2 days later another 50 died in Nasr city.. The number reaches 80..

How easy it is to count numbers! How simple they are summarized. one... he was just someone! an unfortunate someone, a single victim... Yet, for his family, friends and even those who just happened to witness his final moments, he was the world.

Dalida once sang (Nous sommes tous morts a vingt ans)... we are all dead at 20 years. I disagreed with her right then, after all life only begins after sixty as they say...

I still disagree with her only now for a whole different reason, we die at a single moment, I say. We die once we witness, be a part of and fail to stop some great evil. like for example, when we kill each other, long for civil wars or turn our back at the needy.

We die before our hearts cease to stop, we die before any illness claims our bodies or age bends our backs... no need for angels to carry our souls, messengers to herald our journey to heavens or messiahs to ensure our salvation once we get there. We die while our hearts beat and our lungs suck air, we die while we're alive... we die once, twice and some of us can die a thousand death before mercy comes at last, a form of rest the blessed ignorant call death.

Some of us die so much that they actually crave the final rest. Some even kill themselves: jump over a cliff or hang from a rope or whatever else. it really doesn't matter what the method is; the result is always the same for the many ways.

As for me! I am old! I have grown so old that I can no longer remember how old I am.

And just like too many people out there,

I am dead.

Nous sommes tous morts a vingt ans... I barely made it to the maximal age! and now, I shall roam the earth with a meat steak for a heart and decaying soul for energy... a walking corpse with lots of corpses to dream of.

Oh Arab world, Oh Middle East,
Please claim us faster than you've planned.. Claim us all but give our children a chance to live. If there is any god out there, please take us... deliver us from us.. have mercy on us and take us to the worst ditch of your dark hell.. After all, what would be the difference if we died today? we'd just move from one hell to another better one with eternal life.

The lied to me once, those religious Imams when they said that immortality is then a punishment: an eternity of torture...
Oh stupid ignorant Imams, if it is so, at least then no one can kill another. There, at least, you won't die everyday.

We are all dead, only some of us are lucky to never wake up again next morning to die once more..... Lucky them, to finally Rest In Peace....

Interview updates
ramsesthesecond
1- already published in Finland (electronic version still not available)

2- the staff of the mag. asked me for an Arabic statement: just for the Arabic language's visual effect, they said it will look much better and authentic with Arabic in there... I passed the statement... they typed it (FROM FREAKIN LEFT TO RIGHT!) so everything went backwards... Lucky us, I translated my statement in English and they used it as well.. this is how it reads:

"In the same time when Egypt passes through a crucial period in its history, in the same time when Egyptians go out day after day in mass protests calling for liberty, democracy, social justice and human dignity: The need for a minority-rights advocating movement appears more than any time before as Egypt flounders today between choices that would determine its future. We, gays and lesbians, participated in the 25th of January revolution hoping that it will open wide the door for a new system that includes all Egyptians. A homeland that doesn't discriminate between white and black, between a Muslim and a Christian nor between a homosexual and a heterosexual. And now, two years after our glorious revolution, we still have hope in a better future that would grant us the most basic of our rights; to be recognized as an inseparable part of this country, in chaste love that harms no one and in sharing our lives with those whom our hearts choose as soul mates and live-long companions. We were never criminals, atheists nor religion despising, only God's creation wished us different, not to sow hatred, but to sow love and peace. God is the lord of diversity and differences: It made us from a male and a female to become different peoples and tribes in different colors and wonderfully diverse languages and several sexual and emotional orientations to lead us to happiness and welfare. All we, homosexuals, call for is but what God wanted for us, his worshipers - and sons - namely, peace and respect for each other.
from here we emerge and from here we start, by God's grace, our journey to a dignified life, not forgetting even for a moment that we are an inseparable part of this beloved homeland; to get happy by its success and get saddened by its fails.. We call, right now, ever conscientious patriot to recognize our right of existence and help us achieve equality and justice so that we can be one of this great nation's development factors for a better future"

3- After a struggle between the mag's preference in using an Alias and my insistence on using my own name, the mag finally agreed to use my FIRST NAME and to add the usual disclaimer in the end of the article "some names were changed... etc"

4- the mag seems interested in future projects about the middle east... we'll see.

5- will post the electronic version once I get it.
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Who am I
ramsesthesecond
Yesterday, friend of mine complimented me of being that I am the wisest man he'd ever seen. No matter how much I tried to convince him to reconsider, he kept adamant on the issue, I am the wisest man he'd even known. Well, since he doesn't know that I am gay, I don't get any credit, for I am quite sure he'd like to reconsider is he's brought to light with my other "less charming" fact.

No? I am an unfair paranoid asshole? well maybe that's true as well. Maybe he'd say he's 100% OK with me being homosexual, rush to hug me and join me in the next pride parade! Well, you can always wish.

You know what I think?? I think wisdom is complicated. Take for example my stance on the upcoming protests of the 30th of January.

I have already made up my mind to leave Egypt for good almost seven years ago. I already signed up for German courses and am spending my last penny on applications to foreign medical boards to be recognized to practice medicine there; a fundamental process on my way out is already going. My calculations predict a one-way plane ticket in a couple of months: I shouldn't then care what happens today that would affect Egypt's future 10 years later, should I? I mean if I am wise, I'd just stick to my work, study hard, pass the exams, get the ticket and get the hell out of here. I am the wisest man my friend have ever seen, then why am I behaving so irrationally??

I have risked everything once before in the 25th of January revolution. I was ready to die and faced a few encounters with death in those 18 days and it didn't bring my cause a grain of sand's weight of recognition. I was and still am the same gay infidel, hell yeah! I am even more gay infidel today than ever.

The people of Egypt made their free choice, voted for Islamism not just once but four times ending up with a Muslim brotherhood made constitution, a Muslim Brotherhood president, a Muslim Brotherhood majority in both upper and lower houses of the Parliament. The message is clear, The people of Egypt want even more religion in their state and less secularism than ever.

But now, one year after the choice was made, 15 millions voted "no confidence" on Mursi's government. Almost nobody likes the choice so gallantly made one year ago.

The people of Egypt demand real justice, a fair constitution with equal rights for all Egyptians and a constitutionally rightfully elected parliament. Obviously the people changed, didn't they?

Well, I wouldn't be so optimistic about the upcoming change nor will I be pessimistic; a realistic approach is the best way of explaining things:

Even if Egypt ends Mursi's reign on the "upcoming wave of the revolution", doesn't make it a secular nation in one day: Egypt's demographics indicate a nation high on religion. A huge deal of the protestors here aren't out against Mursi for having a so-called "Islamic Agenda" but merely because he "Failed in achieving this agenda!"

The irony is, Mursi's allies, the Islamist wing - those fools - with their mass protests and fiery statements about protecting Islam by protecting the president, are themselves the gravest danger on their very own agenda: with their activities, they are already making it a fight between Islamism and secularism, between a civil and a Muslim regimes with different geopolitical orientations and opposing internal policies, rather than making it a simple matter of a failing president who didn't stand up to the people's expectations and failed to achieve his electoral promises including imposing "Islamist" reforms.

But the effect isn't completely polarized despite their sincere efforts.

Egypt has been lucky to have witnessed the Lebanese civil war. People are enlightened about the woes in such scenario and are trying as much as possible to steer away from its catastrophic consequences.... Don't get me wrong, I am not saying it's not a possibility, au contraire, it is still one of the biggest expected scenarios of what is to follow the 30th of June protest. What I am saying is, should it happen, it won't be a long exhausting war alla-Lebanon, more or less it will be short bitter destructive struggle alla-Finland. anyway it remains in the hands of the Islamist-wing and the military to decide what will happen at the end of the day... Will they go through a nightmarish war for Mursi's sake?? I strongly doubt it, but who knows!

Back to the point:

A post- Mursi Egypt won't be as liberal as you'd think. The nation's masses are still in favor of an Islamic project than ever, it will take the people years to let out the steam and wake from their religious nonsense. Here, we but face another striking irony: it will lie in the hands of the following secular government the only possibility of an "Islamist" resurrection: if our next gallant technocratic government fails, people will be more and more desperate and will find their only refuge in religion; Karma is a real bitch!

It will take Egypt almost ten years to accept people like me... Why do I care then about it today!? if my plans work out I will have been abroad, married and a parent by the time Egypt starts to wonder whether I am eligible to exist as a citizen or not!

The answer is, because I am a dreaming son of a''''! I am not wise at all! I am a stupid asshole who still believes that one should do the right thing!

I am a stupid fucker! a rash kid! a strong-headed good-for-nothing, self-righteous, self-obsessed, crazy ass fool!

A sigh!

I am a fool who will participate in the 30th of June protests in front of el Ethadeya palace!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

A voice
silvester
ramsesthesecond
Well then, there is no other way out... I have tried for so long to avoid the lights and in the meanwhile to lead an out-to-the world sort of life.

Always believing that no one is good enough to save the world and that most heroes are dead. Individualism was the main goal for me. getting out in one piece, just having a life as normal and hidden as possible in a country with a liberal system to match my own convictions.... Puh!

The thing is, I just wanted the blog to be a place to practice a hobby, to write... a faithful friend and a diary to keep record of the days... I just wanted to exist..

But I was so blind!

The fact that I just exist in my place and time is in itself a struggle! All these past years I have been struggling without even realizing it...

I will always be in the danger zone no matter how much I try to escape to a safe haven.

If I stop writing and talking, I am confessing -in acts rather than words - to be guilty of all that my society accuses me. An innocent doesn't hide like criminals

And if I escape and get the easy life, Egypt will always haunt me. I will live in shame for leaving without an explanation, of not holding up till the last moment... I will forever blame myself for my discourage.

Yeah... I knew it will get down to this one day or the other... Huh!

Anyway,

I have finally agreed to go on an interview with a European magazine... with full name and exposed face!

They offered the nom-de-plume and hidden pics... But I said no!

This is the end of a phase and the beginning of another.

I prayed so long for someone to speak for me but nobody did... now, I am going to speak for us all

Fingers crossed... deep breath... Here I go... directly into the fire.

Wish me luck!

The magic of economics
ramsesthesecond
One of the biggest benefits I got from spending a full year in the army -if not the biggest- is the fact one of my fellow soldiers was an assistant in economics in a university near Cairo. He was charged with office work, being of higher education and being able to deal with modern technology; computer and so on and we could spend long hours together between his shifts, along with other friends. They used to say that the clinic made a secret pact with the "computer staff" of the unit, referring in a jest to the way we always stuck together.

Before meeting him, I thought I knew all it was there to know about economics for an ordinary doctor like me. Just few shallow facts and bits of speculations to judge the policies of our government. (anyway, it doesn't need so much academic knowledge to see how corrupt our system is and how fucked up we are!)

Yet, I never underestimated economy as a science. even before I meet my economist friend, I had right intuition enough to say "It is economy that moves and steers economies ship and not the reverse. If you want the answers for the enigmas of politics, you better ask an economist." but still, economics was somehow, too dry for my taste. It wasn't exactly what I could spend my spare time reading. After all, how could anyone spend hours trying to decipher the complicated trade-off between economic efficiency and equality or between inflation and unemployment rather than sailing the oceans of imagination to reach the magical land of Westros with George R R Martin as a guide.

Now, honestly, having spent a year discussing various economic questions, analyzing the way our world is working these days of unpredictable future and repeated recessions and recoveries, my mind started sensing the magical appeal of economics; this powerful knowledge that makes you an insider, the secret code with which our governments deal mostly in favor of citizens across the world and mostly against us here in the Middle East.

My friend pointed out a draw back in the way I read. My overwhelming love for literature was stealing me from reading direct up-to-the-point books. I much preferred to learn the lesson indirectly from fiction rather than seek some answers directly in text books.

Now, this mistake is being corrected. I won't stop reading fiction until I am dead! But I am now reading books like, Krugman's: The return of depression economics and fat books like Mankiw's: Principles of economics and damn, it's so fun to learn from those books!

Anyway, that's it... the biggest thing I learned in this forsaken army year.

to my love to be
silvester
ramsesthesecond
Dear "hergelaufener" with whom I shall madly fall in love,

I have grown so dependent on the idea that I will meet you some day in the future that I started to fear you. You have that effect on me and I even before I know who you are: Sometimes you are the only reason I am living, others I am living for another purpose to which only one end is forseen; that I get closer to you.
Life isn't easy, love. You just keep fighting and struggling until you've built your Israel and that's a fact I have learned so early to accept. It is life in the promised land that I am worried about. You see, on my way to your arms I had to do lots of things, some I regret but most I can remember with a smile, I grew wiser, braver and stronger than I planned. It's ok! People would say yet I keep asking, "Is it?"
I can handle a needle prick these days, I can face death and I don't give a damn if the end of times come tomorrow. That's who I am. That's what life taught me. That what Egypt made of me; a great spectacle, a leader, a soldier... so many things to give a viewer such a fascinating show, alas none to be taken back home to be introduce to mom and dad.
I am not a family-guy as you would believe, sweetheat. That's my sin, clear as a sun.
I come from the land of sadness and grief, from the deserts of hunger qnd false beliefs. Out of the womb of misery I was born, only to roam the terrains of hardships, to crave what's out of my reach.
And I am thirsty beyound your imagination! And how on earth couldn't I, under the tropical sun on the Middle East?
Mon Chérie, I come from Arrakis, from the dunes of dryness where wealth is measured in water and gold is hammered in the soles of slippers.
Will you forgive me when my anger flares unexpected and furious as a sand storm? Will you forgive me for my rigid dryness, my strong fight against the least of trivialities? For always keeping guard, looking right and left when we walk together, searching for the oppressors before it is too late even in the land of freedom?
Will you forgive me for the sweaty nervous hand, for the nightmares? For my sun-burned dry skin? For the falling hair? For the angles and lines of my face; always set in a stary angry formation rather than in a sweet smile.
Will you forgive me if I come so late? For a greying hair and a bent back? It's been 28 years and I still couldn't find you, so it's a reasonable possibility to consider!
Will you overlook that all, have me with all my flaws and try to heal me? Irrigate me? Take care of my severed roots and plant them in your fertile lands and help me to grow?
Liebling, I have survived so long in the desert sands that it doesn't look like I'd never survive somewhere else, for my system is all set up to survive in extreme hostility, the tiniest luxury would corrupt me.
I am afraid any abundance of water would rot my roots, that the strong wind would break my tough trunk and that my buds won't like the kind shades of the clouds obscuring the sun, my tormentor, my oppressor, my mother and my life line all together.
Wil I change? Will you help me change? knowing that I won't pass the life's test all alone!?

This is a path I can't take alone.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

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Dreamy straight guys in a gay dream!
ramsesthesecond
I wish I could explain the strange phenomenon of gay men being attracted to straight guys, having fantasies or dreaming of having it with a straight guy.

Almost all gay porn sites - and even in the ads that everyone gets to see no matter what his/her preference is - have those shinny ads about straight men drunk and doing it with gay men or a broke, straight guy doing it with a gay guy for money - I even got an ad in my inbox about a site called gayforpay.com! - or in another case an old guy sucking a straight guy's dick or a famous porn star who've been working for like a hundred years in straight porn finally finding out that he's curious as to how it feels to stick it or take it up in the rear from another man.

Our modern literature - if we dare to call the gibberish cheap so-called novels of the past three decades - are full of look-a-like stories of a perfectly straight man, a family guy who suffers from certain "domestic" problems - be it a dead wife, a run-away wife...etc- getting to meet a gay guy, finding out about his sexual preference, feeling first confused then curious to end finally in bed with him and after bed we all know the same old stupid ending of head over heals lovers living happily ever after.

Even our erotic fiction didn't escape the curse. Hell no! I can even risk - with quite a vast safe margin - saying that erotica was the entrance corruption took to destroy the modern spirit of our literature. As I just explained above, the structure of the story is just the same, only with a specific attention focused on the "bed" thing.

This has to be the only possible explanation! Sexual fantasies leading to romantic follies! 'cause I personally believe that any gay guy who describes himself as a man who only falls in love with "straight" men to be crazy and entitled to a long long process of psychoanalysis! It's even funnier than the usual shit [yeah, pardon my French] a man reads in all those profiles on gay dating networks about guys who indicate that they are 100% top in bed and in the same time declare, quite confidently, that they are only interested in hot hard-core sessions with only other top/active guys. I mean, What the FUCK!

What is wrong with us? Is it the way we were raised from the start, a vestige from the guilt-complex we all have to get through to finally accept ourselves? Does it feel less sinful or more respectable in society's eyes to have sex with straight men!

Or is it an inferiority complex?

I recall once being told by an acquaintance -who defined himself as 100% gay- that he loved dating bisexual men; not all bisexual men of course, but specifically bisexual men with passive preferences. He said and I quote "I just love dating bisexual bottom men. How amazing it is to have a bisexual man coming to me, taking off his clothes and surrendering for my lust! How ecstatic I get to fuck him just the same way he fucks his woman; to make him mine just the same way he makes her - his! there's nothing in this world hotter than fucking a bisexual man!"

Am I the only one noticing the deep-seated inferiority complex in those words!? It's as clear as the sun or I am delusional and should be instituted! He feels so inferior to men fucking girls, simply because society sees them as his superiors; because his mother, family, friends and whoever else he cares for would spit in his face if they knew how much he like dick. So he takes sweet joy in the best revenge he could ever imagine; fucking one of those womanizing fellows, womanizing the womanizer!

Not only that, the statement above shows us a typical example on a popular trend of thoughts as old as the existence of homosexuality -i.e as old as life - namely, abstracting the whole concept of homosexual relationships into the mere act of penetration; in simple terms, despising bottoms/receptive men and basking in the glory of the tops, the men who womanize other men!

Do we feel so inferior to straight men that we dream about fucking them in the ass to feel superior or at least as accepted as they are!? I think this is a good theory except that it doesn't answer the other fundamental question about the other way around; i.e. If it's really a matter of inferiority complex and superficial views on the physical act of homosexuality, then why are there many gay men who dream about being fucked by a straight guy?

It can't be related to superiority and inferiority in this case. But I think we won't go so far away to explain that kind of aberration. I think it again goes back to the guilt-complex.
Top guys tend to fight, to compare themselves, or better yet, their ego, to straight men: They fuck... so what? we also fuck!  again the superficial view of the act quite very obvious: It's all about who penetrates, be it a vagina or an anus or even a female anus, it really doesn't matter!
While bottoms tend to "yearn" to be accepted in peace rather than be egoistic: If they hate us so much, maybe if they see how pleasurable being with us is, maybe if we show them how hot it is to fuck a guy, they would understand us, accept us, and hopefully, a great deal of them will run away from their cold beds to our domain of warmness!

This way it can also explain why it would be pleasurable to lots of bottoms to see a straight man getting it in the rear - from another straight man or more preferably a gay one - and, subsequently, it would be hot as hell, pleasurable beyond limit for those bottoms to see the straight man actually enjoying it, as evident from the hard-on he never loses and the hot way he moans and pleads for more, rather than the sheepish videos of real gay-for-pay young guys who would watch a straight porn movie until they get it hard, rush to the scene, turn on the cams and loose it five seconds later. Guys who scream and pretend it is just a moan! So freankin' sick!

I think these are my theories for now. If you disagree or care to add a reason or two, don't hesitate!

Enlighten us!
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